It’s been a while since some of you have heard from me. I haven’t been around on Instagram to post at all really. To be honest I haven’t wanted to post. Don’t get me wrong, I have content to post but I don’t feel like that’s how I want to move forward in this present moment. It still doesn’t feel right.
Let’s take a step back and review the last six months quickly so you understand what I’ve been up to. At the end of May, I got the news that my dad died. It broke me, and it hurt. It still hurts. I never got to say goodbye, and in his final moments, my dad was nowhere near his family.
To be clear, my dad did not die from the Covid-19 virus. He was a victim of circumstance. My dad was in Nigeria to honor the death of his father, who died last year in October. Because of the travel ban, he couldn’t come home. Nor was my dad able to have the proper medical attention or medication for his diabetes.
For the past couple of months, I’ve flown back and forth between WA and MD. Being with my family, we continued to go through hell. Hell in coming to terms with my dad’s death and how to move forward, while dealing with everything else. It felt like the world kept moving on like everyone got to continue their lives while we were stuck in this moment of grief, depression, anxiety…loss. This on top of being unemployed, paying bills every month, etc so of course, why would I be on social media? I don’t have a desire to post anything, and nothing felt impactful to me.
Back then, I didn’t know what moving forward looked like. Now I still don’t know what life after the death of my dad looks like. One day being back home with my family, my 3 brothers, my sister, my mom, and I were all sitting together talking about what we want for our lives moving forward. My brother, Bob, told us something that stays in my heart today, “YOU DON’T NEED PERMISSION TO BE WHO YOU WANNA BE ANYMORE, YOU DON’T NEED PERMISSION TO BE GREAT!”
If you’ve lived in a household where your people place expectations of what they want you to be in life then you understand. Hearing those words, it was like no other expectations mattered. It felt like an outer shell of my entire self shattered, and my true self was waking up to live out the rest of this life.
Right now, I’m processing my dad’s death, finding ways to move forward in life. I’m immersing myself in being present with myself, while finding inspiration and ways to show meaning in my art when it’s ready. Here’s the thing you’ll never be ready, unless you go out and do it right? Writing this is like taking my first step towards that.